Diary of a Diva
By Elley Newton
I fear I am not long for this world. The Human showed up and took me to the Chamber of Hoses for, what I believe to be, my execution. The Tree Assassins were waving their deadly leaves at me nearby, flapping in the breeze. Seeming completely ignorant of my plight, the Human attempted to spray me down with cold water and soap, thoroughly threatening to destroy the mud coat I had just finished perfecting the night before. Luckily, I wiggled my way to freedom until she gave up.
Having averted certain death, I thought I was in the clear and might have a moment of peace, but THEN she proceeded to rip hair from my neck and chop off my tail. My beautiful hair! I barely survived. I made my eyeballs outrageously large so that, perhaps, she would get the picture. Alas, she seems hopelessly daft.
Next, she forced me to walk for 10 MINUTES until I nearly collapsed from exhaustion. I searched for Gus and called his name, but as I did not see him, I assume the Tree Assassins found him, and I was too late. Have I not mentioned Gus? He is my polka-dotted friend. When I leave the pasture, he paces the fence looking for me, as he is very concerned for my safety (and doesn’t that seem fairly justified, given my recent encounters?). He’s’ a good pal.
I should mention that, during these events, I didn’t eat for 35 MINUTES. I had nearly wasted away to mere skin and bones….
After surviving such chaos, I was allowed to graze. All is forgiven.